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This information has been made available as a courtesy, from Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services and as such, is information that applies to the Province of Ontario. It is meant to inform people of information they may need in future or of which they are unaware; and to demystify issues concerning death and dying so that there is clearer understanding.

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT WILLS

You can imagine, throughout the duration of my years in funeral service, when the inevitable question arises, and arise it must – “Does the deceased have a will?" – I always receive one of three responses: yes, no or I think so. In the world of finalizing estate affairs “yes" and “no" are fine, but “I think so" needs to become a hardened yes or no before paperwork can be done properly.

That said; a will is the singularly best thing that can be done before one dies to make estate affairs easier to deal with, easily understood for the one dealing with them, and to have your specific wishes carried out. While each province has slightly different laws that a will must follow, there are general criteria that need to be observed to make a will legal in most parts of Canada whether one is made through a lawyer or not.

If a person dies without a will (called: “intestate") your property is usually distributed to your closest relatives based upon statute (government law) and the process can be more complicated and hurtful than it need be. In addition, there are options that you may have wanted that now may no longer exist without a will – charities, friends, sometimes common-law spouses would receive nothing.

Here are the common ways to make a will in the province of Ontario:

THROUGH A LAWYER / I prefer this method simply for peace of mind and no matter how complex the estate. While a professionally prepared will is not legally mandatory, a person unfamiliar with the law could make mistakes that could cost money and/or grief afterward. This method allows for the highest level of customization and legal advice available. The cost can range depending upon how involved the estate might be. The times I have made a simple will, the cost was around $300 to $400. Well worth the peace of mind as far as I'm concerned.

WILL KIT / A cookie-cutter mostly worded-for-you type of will that has fill-in-the-blanks. This is straightforward but if there are things which are to be added on later (an addendum), or things to be changed, a new will kit would probably need to be purchased. Likewise, if the estate affairs after you die are going to be a little complex, I would shy away from the kit option.

HOLOGRAPHIC WILL / These types of wills are the most misunderstood. I've seen them highlighted in the movies as a plot element, a twist in a suspense film. A holographic will is a fully handwritten and signed will created without any technology like a computer or phone. No digital! There is quite a bit of room for error and dispute unless you have a legal background. This method can be used if you are not able to have your will witnessed. Indeed, a holographic will is not to be witnessed, because as soon as there is someone else's signature on it, it is invalid. They are hard to update because they will need to be completely re-written when a change is made. They will also need to be accepted by probate courts to determine if they are valid. Provinces like BC or PEI do not recognize them or parts of them that regard specific things like property.

Now that we've covered types of wills, here are the elements that make a will legal in Ontario:

-You must be of “sound mind" to create a binding will and you must be over the age of majority.

- The will must be made (holographic) and/or specified (lawyer/will kit) by you, the testator.

- It is unlawful to make a will for someone else.

- The will must be dated and signed by you and two valid witnesses on the last page who are together with you in the room, (except a holographic will which is signed by you only). -

- A valid witness is not someone who is to benefit in any way when the will is carried out.

- The will must be signed and witnessed in ink and stored as a copy. It is the original will that is valid, not the copies.

Regarding funeral services, a will is always discussed prior to making arrangements. The funeral home needs to know firstly if there is one, and secondly, who the executor(s) are. All executors must be listed on the Proof of Death certificates that are issued through the funeral home. That means we need to know the wording on the first page of the will. There may be several executors indicated (which can potentially be a problem for those taking care of things). Regarding the wording that states a particular person as the executor and “if they are unwilling or unable" then it's another person – it's the actual executor(s) information that the funeral home needs and not the by-standers.

Hope this post has been informative for you.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

FORGETTING THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

I have one or two images from my childhood that are so vivid, so tactile, dressed with such deep sensation, that they are etched into memory as if the brain were a stone inscribed. One of these is a grove of trees in early winter, their trunks extending out of a pool of water where no water should have been. The forest had gathered its days of rain and snow and morning wet that fell from its canopy of leaves – into a basin, where path became puddle. One giant puddle in fact, held delicately in place by a fragile and thin membrane of icy skin that magnified the forest floor beneath. One magnificent air bubble from the breath of everything alive below.

That image of transition; the clear translucent grey/green mirror with lit up flecks of white fairy-light snow, held me in frozen wonder. Resplendent. I will die with that image somewhere in the brain-bank of memories. It was a transition of sorts for me too. My relationship to the earth beneath my feet and any body of water, whether stream or ocean, changed that day. I understood something about our planet that I couldn't talk about, nor satisfactorily write about either.

When something is found that jars you awake like that, your heart is felt in your chest and what it is that you understand, is not understood through words or thinking. More tactile. More sensory.

In later years I discovered that, at will, I could bring a smidgeon of that sensation back into my heart through “forgetting" about what it is I was looking at. What I mean by that is, to find anything interesting and new, I merely had to look at it long enough and let everything I know about it, disappear! It's somewhat similar to that sensation of seeing the word “and" or “the" on the printed page and suddenly not recognizing it as the way that it's always been spelled. Or suddenly paying attention to the ritual of eating – performing this maneuver where I place something into this hole in my face, mash it up with these stony white things that grow there and then let it slip into another deeper hole, into my body. Or that perspective my brother and I had as kids; looking at the room upside down, with ceiling as floor and floor as ceiling.

Do you get my meaning? Everyday things – looked at through the eyes of a child, the eyes of wonder, or the eyes of unknowing. What happens is a little taste of freedom from the norm, a little taste of newness, playfulness. Perhaps a little sense of losing that ego that keeps chattering in my head saying it knows what this is or how this will go, and that my world is under control, understood and packaged in a recognizable fashion. Potentially interesting. Possibly fresh. Perhaps a revelation that helps me understand something I never really did before.

It's about leaning into a sense of uncertainty, being playful and finding wondrous things there – where suddenly the tree is upside down and drinking in the air and the roots are the part we are seeing above ground. The house is a box, with other boxes of varying sizes within the bigger box, and we live in those. Automobiles are just a bunch of moving chairs on wheels, rolling from one place to another; or people are “dressed" in skin, and have put on façades of clothing to give the further illusion that under clothes and skin, we are somehow different.

Sometimes there's great discovery and lessons in looking at the world without the labels we've placed onto everything to make ourselves feel safe. It's only a game after all. Things don't have to be what they seem. They can be waiting in wonder. Worlds we weren't aware of. People becoming stories through conversation. Everything becoming interesting and new. Everything shining. And if we're lucky, we'll lose ourselves for a moment to find ourselves anew, with fresher meaning, a sense of purpose, as an integral part of what we're observing – in a world of wonders so strange, and strangely familiar.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

OUT IN THE FIELD

I think a lot about dying. Sometimes it really helps with living. It holds out its gifts. It says: “Remember me and don't look away. See me, so that you can see clearly what you've been given.

Sometimes I listen. When I do, all turns silent, all turns still. Nothing is being done – just a perception deep within that life is good but that it needs to be minded. Oddly, I sense that it's in the letting go of things that brings me closer to living out in the field of life's peacefulness; in the silence there. A particular silence where you, as you, doesn't exist. Where the small voice inside my head becomes mute, and “you" shuts down. I wonder if this is a form of dying, this shutting down awake. And then comes the laughter, at myself; at the trap I just placed myself into through my “wondering" and so, thinking again. Always thinking. Sigh... how hard to just “be" without myself in the room – thinking.

There's a lady I know who's dying. She knows this. She's been told. She's covered herself in it like the blankets of her bed that she's pulled up to her chin. And she's talking to me now, getting what she calls her “life" in order. She is animated and welcoming. One might even say happy. She is already halfway to knowing that the “life" she is speaking of getting in order isn't the real one. We're talking about details. What's your full name? What's your social insurance number? When were you born? Behind those details lies the full sweep of a sky of memories. I want to weep at the banality of the questions I'm asking, in the face of her graciousness in my company. She is stepping through my questions, placing each one to the side before stepping out onto a vast field underneath a monumental sky. She smiles when we part ways, and I want to tell her so very badly, before I leave, that I know she is not her answers.

The baby rabbit we found was no more than four inches long. We took it in, picked it up from the curbside like a fragile teacup, and stood dumb at how such vulnerability was right there in our hands, making everything out beyond it seem dangerous. We named it “bun-bun." We fed it from a bottle; formula, we were told, like a baby. We made it a home for recovery. When it could walk-hop we let it explore the basement carpet. Each morning we checked in on bun-bun and hoped he or she would be waiting for the hello we desperately wanted to give. Bun-bun grew a little. Became stronger it seemed. And then – not. We fretted over its decline. How the upward swing of strength and determination suddenly took its downward turn into weakness and finally, release. We buried bun-bun in the garden. A week later I read how bunnies, when that frail and that young – need constant companionship and contact with the mother's body. Our “lives" took us away from that.

On occasion I'm deeply aware of myself and what I'm doing. I mean, I notice myself walking, notice myself standing with someone on the street, talking. Like a movie. I see myself from over there. When I'm with another person, I can feel so grateful for them. The conversation. The sense of sharing time, sharing happenings, sharing an emotion – no matter what it is. Extending things beyond myself, my small family, my work, my world. Inclusion. The time is short-lived but re-energizing. Some invisible wall expands and gives me room to see the wider perspective. That's the visual equivalent to stopping and really listening. A songbird suddenly heard. Hear it sing and suddenly all else falls away, except that one-of-a-kind trill. The power of focus. The one sound, within a cacophony of sounds we think of as noise. I pull at the threads of what I'm hearing, to unravel it. I focus on each sound individually; the siren in the distance, the splash of a wheel in the puddle, the leaves attempting to free themselves in the wind but bound to the tree, a distant dog barking, the footstep behind me walking in the same direction, keeping pace, neither louder, nor softer than my own...

… where are they going? Where am I going? Am I wandering aimlessly right now through a world I cannot see or hear properly? Look up, I remind myself. Look up. Leave the sidewalk alone. The sky is immense. See it and listen to all that fills it. It's breathing us in and out, in and out. We come. We go. We catch glimpses of our wonder. Signs of this planets' gifted nature. But still, for me... nothing as gracious, nothing so sweet, nothing so imperceptibly grand as a smile on the face, before our last goodbye.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

BE SAD AND CELEBRATE.

Since the term “celebration of life" was coined to honour a life lived, there have been differences of opinion regarding what that means. I have come across folks who are vehemently opposed to using that term, suggesting that a funeral should be exactly what they consider it to be - a time for grieving, a time for healing and a generally sad event that should act as a comforting receptacle to place that sadness into. Not a “celebration" of any sort. I can understand why. Any death is a sad event in the culture in which we were raised, but not so much in other cultures necessarily.

In other words - all bets are off in the land of the grieving. What is important to recognize however, in this world of quick responses, habitual distraction and blatant closing of the eyes, is whether the time has been taken to grieve at all. And by grieving, I mean any number of synonyms that may provide the healing that should not be swept away unwanted. Reflection. Remembrance. Recognition. Acknowledgement. Honouring. Amending. And yes... celebrating.

I think for those who oppose the term “celebration," they are perhaps thinking the word implies one is happy and that “happy" has no place at a funeral. Not so. The term rather, is used to praise a life that meant so much and was well lived, to proclaim that they are dead, and yes – that it is deeply felt but worthy of celebration. All the idiosyncrasies that made them so unique and so lovable.

“Celebration" in my eyes, hints at a wider truth and speaks about something worthy of the person and not so much the event (funeral) that is taking place. It feels as though it conjures up the truth of someone and allows us to recognize their perfections and their imperfections. It takes away a certain formality and may even bring us closer to recognizing, in our own case, that all of who we are may be worthy of celebration.

In a manner of speaking, to “celebrate" someone we celebrate not only who they were but what they personally gave to us or taught us through their living. A life cannot possibly be gloriously good or boldly bad in its entirety. My partner's mom was an alcoholic. Her life was certainly a hardship for her and her children. It hurt my partner much more to traverse the cliffs edge of all that praise at her mom's funeral, with no admission of that hardship; yet she was still thankful for a mother that loved her despite the challenges.

It's understood that grieving and sadness are in the room. It's a funeral after all. But our words matter; they make a difference to us. A celebration is a recognition of an event in which the definition thereof holds the word “social," and a funeral is the event itself. The semantics of the words may be slim, but our comfort in what we or the deceased might have wished for are not.

And so, in the end, we celebrate a life as we see fit. Only, try to celebrate it all. The real gems in any service after a life has been lived are in its meaning. It deserves to be celebrated whether we call it celebration or funeral. Stay true to the deceased and your experience of them. Embrace it all. Their whole life. Be still and cry at this part or toss it up in the air like confetti and dance at another.

We're at a funeral after all. Let's celebrate.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

FEAR, FILTERS & FINANCES

Sometimes, it's not so easy to not take action. Like many New Year's resolutions, the thought is there and there it sits. It eats away. It wears you down. “I should do this."

When it comes to preparing your end-of-life affairs there is probably no soul that relishes in the doing, but every soul that's lighter for doing it. You'll be relieved and so will those you love. The fact of the matter is, it's easy and won't kill you.

Let's look at the three things that stop folks from the endeavour and then we'll look at how simple it can be to prepare.

Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or is a threat. In the context of what we are talking about here, there are those who have attached a superstition to their fear and it goes like this: “If I prepare now… I'm somehow going to die prematurely." Fears are most often irrational in today's world. We create a whole gamut of scenarios to feed upon; and this one is like saying “If I buy this car, I'm going to have an accident." That's the nature of superstition and irrationality I suppose. They stop us in our tracks and our control walks out the door without us.

Our filters are more sequestered from our conscience. Although the mind's voice speaks to us constantly, the filter re-shapes our preferences, changes ideas around, adds words like “soon" or “when" or “tomorrow." The fact of the matter is we'd rather do this or do that right now. We cushion our world and ideas through the various filters of our desires, preferences and experiences. A good example of this is rationalizing smoking because “there are toxins in the air that could kill me anyway." Similarly, “why prepare end of life stuff when I'll be dead and won't know anyway." I won't even get into the limited vision of that comment.

And finally, our finances prevent us from taking care of the act of planning. The thing about this one is that finances don't even have to come into the equation unless one wishes it; besides, there are many ways to keep funeral costs down.

There are two types of formal preparation when it comes to your final affairs. I say formal, because there are also personal things that can be done. The formal prep is in the type of planning one wants to do. All funeral homes have files that are pre-paid and files that are merely pre-discussed. Self-explanatory.

A pre-discussion means that your wishes are documented and your vital information is available when needed, in order to get all that government paperwork done. In my opinion, the funeral home should do that for you. A pre-paid arrangement is a pre-discussion with a payment already attached to it. The benefit of a pre-pay is that costs are locked in. In the province of Ontario, when a pre-paid arrangement is completed, the funeral home costs remain at what they were arranged for. In other words, an urn that costs $250 at the time of the arrangement will be $250 at the time of death, despite the fact the cost might have gone up another hundred dollars by the time you die.

Pre-paying means that the money is held in an interest-bearing account (usually within a depository that is specific to the funeral industry) and will increase over time, so that there will be more money when you die than what you initially put into it. This is in case there are additional wishes or changes in what was planned for.

At Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services we are most often writing re-imbursement cheques to the remaining family because there were additional funds in the depository as the years passed and interest was earned. But that has always been secondary to the relief felt from those whose task it was to take care of things afterward, for a foresight in preparing. In addition, it should be mentioned that any pre-arrangement is transferrable from one funeral home to another no matter where that funeral home is in Canada.

So truly - getting prepared is easy, wise and satisfying; and I have personally carried out pre-paid arrangements and pre-discussed arrangements, not only at the funeral home but in the comfort of people's homes and in local cafés. It takes about one hour. Admittedly though, I've gotten into some interesting conversations with folks who like to ask questions, and it took considerably longer. Those of you who know me, know too, that I love that! Especially the sitting down as “strangers" and the walking away as “friends."

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL