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Rutherford Cremation and Funeral Services
(James A. Rutherford Funeral Home)
804 Ontario St., Unit C-11, Stratford, Ontario N5A 3K1
519-271-5062 FAX 519-271-5006
Email: rutherford@jarfh.com Website: www.jarfh.com


This information has been made available, through Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services to empower people with information and demystify issues concerning death and dying.

MYTHS & ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT FUNERAL SERVICE

The profession of funeral service is unlike any other profession in the world. I often tell people that my work is a hybrid of psychology and counselling (dealing with sometimes overwhelming emotions of every sort and all manner of people), science (embalming), event planning (the practicalities of making a funeral happen) and service (everything else the family wishes).

Today's post is about the information that some people don't know that they don't know. Here we go:

URNS: Funeral homes have urns, or can obtain urns, that range in price from approximately $200 to $5,000. Metal urns, wooden urns, stone urns, composite urns – there is no shortage to choose from. Urns hold remains from a cremation or aquamation and lend a certain dignity to a funeral service if you want the remains present at the service. What folks often don't know is that they don't necessarily need one. It is perfectly acceptable to bury remains in the receptacle they come back from the crematorium or aquamation site in. There is only one reason why an urn becomes a necessity, and that is when remains are being placed in a glass fronted niche in a Columbarium. Usually glass front niches are in separate buildings within the cemetery. A Columbarium is an above ground structure in a cemetery (as opposed to ground burial) that holds urns filled with remains. Another option would be to bring a receptacle to the funeral home that can be filled with the remains. I've put people in some interesting objects – a lady (the family baker) in the family cookie jar, a fireman in a fire extinguisher, a husband and wife who worked on a naval vessel into an empty shell! These objects can often be very personal to a family; objects that hold tremendous meaning. People should know that this is an option. Likewise, if someone wants to keep cremated remains at home in a place of honour, an urn or family heirloom (receptacle) is the way to go.

VAULTS: Sometimes, when someone is buried in a cemetery, you'll see the casket or the urn go into what's called a “vault." A vault is an outer protection for a casket or urn. In some cases, and in some areas in a cemetery, a vault is a requirement due to the ground in the location where the burial is happening. In some areas the ground can be more compromised than in other sections, (a downhill slope or damper location), and so a vault is needed. Most often it is not a necessity. An “urn vault" is almost never needed, but it does provide space around the urn itself to place personal items into, such as notes and cards, jewellery or family keepsakes that hold meaning to the family or the deceased.

NEWSPAPER NOTICES: Obituaries are always a good thing. They provide the general public information that someone has died and I have had many a call from people who were informed through an obituary that a friend or colleague or even family member passed on. The placing of an obituary in a newspaper is not required. Some folks I've served have been under the impression that it must be done! It doesn't. On funeral home websites the obituary is free of charge and often that is enough depending upon the circumstances surrounding someone's life. There could, however, be people in another city that you want to make aware through the local paper. The main reason some people do not place a notice in a particular paper is because of the cost or the deceased was well on in age; all those who knew them have passed on already and there either will be no public service or the service will be through invitation only. That said – an obituary somewhere is a good idea even if it is short.

CREMATED / AQUAMATED REMAINS: The term “ashes" for cremated or aquamated remains is not accurate. “Ashes" implies the type of result that you would get from a wood fire – remains that can be blown away easily in the wind. Not so. Remains from a fire cremation or water aquamation are like coarse sand – somewhat powdery, but mostly granular. (If you would like the information I posted recently concerning aquamation, please contact me through email: rutherford@jarfh.com). The remains from a cremation are light beige/grey in colour. The remains from an aquamation are white and about 15-20% more as aquamation is a gentler process and does not leave an environmental footprint like cremation or traditional body burial. Both remains are comprised of our bones. That is all. The scattering of remains is not illegal. There are certain rules that are supposed to be observed, but in general, cremated or aquamated remains are allowed to be scattered on water or Crown Land but not private property.

THE BODY: In my more than seventeen years of funeral service to the public, there have been some disturbing stories that have come back to me regarding things that have “happened" to the body of a decedent. All myths and conjecture. In short – here are the myths in random order that I will dispel now:
There are never organs removed from a body by a funeral director. Any organs that were harvested were done so by a physician and with the permission of the family or the deceased. There are never any limbs adjusted in any way, that would damage the integrity of the human body. If an individual does not fit into a regular sized casket, the funeral home will order an oversized casket. While a human body goes through specific changes after a death occurs, there is never a severe “reflex" that would have the deceased “sit up" or “animate" in any way. In addition, embalming of a body is done as a temporary disinfection and preservation of the body for viewing purposes. Embalming is not a requirement, although as Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services does and probably most funeral homes do; if the body is not embalmed and a visitation or service is desired with the body present, the casket will not be opened at any time. In the province of Ontario, it is mandatory that the body be taken to the crematorium in a safe and rigid container. It is illegal to have a human body cremated outside of being in a casket or cremation container.

RENTAL CASKET: Most funeral homes will have a “rental" casket in which there is an insert of another (often pine) wooden box, specifically for a cremation to be carried out after a funeral service has taken place. When the service is complete and guests have left, the insert can be removed with the deceased in it and that is what goes to the crematorium. The Rental casket can cost as much as a mid-grade purchased casket, however, rental caskets are usually easy ways to have a very solid and much more expensive casket at a service without purchasing the casket outright. With many funeral homes, the casket is used a specific number of times, before it actually goes to the crematorium with a decedent in it. You can get very lovely caskets at the cost of a rental casket.

Information is empowering. It allows you to make the decisions that are right for you. It is a privilege to inform the public in my chosen profession.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

AQUAMATION (in layperson's terms)

When I became Manager of Rutherford Funeral Home, I said that the number one rule is to inform people properly about funeral service so that they have the power of information in order to make their own decisions.

I don't take that as just something for me to consider every now and again. I take it as the most important function of a funeral home, beyond service in a time of need. Giving information.

That said; there is a lot of conjecture out there with people who think they know what AQUAMATION is and questions from those who do not. I have posted information about this environmentally clean and non-damaging process before, but I would like to put it into terms that are, perhaps, more easily understood.

The result of having an aquamation done is the same as the result of having a cremation done. Aquamation utilizes water. Cremation utilizes fire. From both, there are human remains that may be buried, kept or scattered. It is just the process that is different.

The process of aquamation is a gentler process that does not burn fossil fuels, is non-toxic and does no damage to the environment. It has been around quite some time, but as with everything in funeral service, public information is slow in getting out there.

Aquamation mimics what would happen if a human body is buried in the soil without a casket. The soil beneath our feet contains alkali, and alkali combined with water - breaks down organic matter. And, of course, a human being is organic!

A body, rather than being placed in a “retort" for cremation, is instead placed in a kind of stainless steel “sensory deprivation tank" similar to a tank people spend a lot of money to float, relax and listen to music in. The tank contains 95% water and 5% alkali. The water is then warmed with a gentle flowing motion. After the process is complete, what is left is exactly the same thing that is left after a cremation is complete – our bones. The bones from a cremation or an aquamation are then broken down further into the remains that are returned to the family for burial or scattering.

After a cremation is complete the remains are beige, because the body has been in fire. After an aquamation they are white. In addition, because aquamation is a gentler process, there are perhaps 15 to 20% more remains.

Rutherford Cremation & Funeral Services (James A. Rutherford Funeral Home) is the only funeral home in this region at the moment offering aquamation, probably due to the fact that there are only 4 aquamation sites in the province of Ontario in operation at this time. Crematoriums and aquamation sites are most often separate entities that are not directly connected to funeral homes and as such a body must be taken to them. Regardless; aquamation is a safe and clean option to consider and should be available to those who wish to exit this world in a manner that doesn't leave it worse for wear.

SEEDS

In the lobby of the Tom Patterson theatre in Stratford, Ontario there are photographs of historical moments that have occurred on the stage. Around these memories there is a painted frame by Les Harper, an indigenous artist, and a quote that says: “I had this dream, that I was born with a set of glasses on. I realized one day that these weren't my glasses, and that I could have my own pair."

Obviously, that quote comes from someone who was told at one time, how to view his world and specifically himself in it. Seeing in a particular way can be a prison we make for ourselves; but also, seeing can be freeing! The thing about seeing something is that as soon as we see it, we think everyone else is seeing the same thing and they're not. Seeing, in a mere fraction of a second, becomes painted in the colours of our disposition, shaped to fit the contours of our mind and then experienced based upon our conditioning. I never see what you see. You never see what I see, even though we're observing the same thing. Our experience of that thing presented to us, will be different.

This is quite evident in the creative space of visual art, music, theatre or the written and spoken word. Creation is an expression of a need and never is the product of that need or the action in carrying it out, seen or appreciated in the same way by everyone looking at it. Most often when it comes to a film or artistic expression, we talk about it and share opinions and ideas.

But we do not merely create in artistic circles. Expression of oneself, is a brave endeavor in any regard, and we express ourselves on so many levels, often without our thinking about what we are doing. How we dress, what we think, how we act, how we use language, how we perceive the world around us. We “create" ourselves and then perceptions are hung on our names freely like garments, by ourselves, based upon how we would like others to see us, or by others based upon their own perceptions of us. This is inescapable. We want to be recognized.

A problem arises however, when our perceptions of any one person or any one group collide with the perception we have of ourselves or how we feel the world should be. And here is where our uneasiness shows itself – at the moment of perception; where we feel we are being judged by them, they are being judged by us, or we are judging ourselves. We set up an “us and them" scenario. We somehow start to feel as though we are disenfranchised. We might become fearful, threatened, confused, doubtful or angry and nothing has actually been done to us. And short of starting to hurl bricks – our uncomfortable feelings allow us to blame or ridicule the other or; we might mask that uncomfortable feeling in any manner of disguise of which we may be unaware: in the name of enlightenment, helpfulness, self-righteousness, “truth", propriety. But what is being thrown out the window at a moment's glance, is wonder, creativity and understanding. We could, for example, react with curiosity.

A child is often unafraid to ask someone in a wheelchair, why they are in the chair. But the adult has been conditioned to be “respectful" or what they might deem “appropriate." The child is in the space of wonder or curiosity and being such that we all want to be recognized – the individual in the wheelchair might welcome a conversation, the child perhaps, open to understanding. Likewise, with so many things in life: the homeless we abhor, the sexuality we don't understand, the faith that is unlike our faith. Most often we react to these differences in ways that illustrate our anxiety and shut off avenues of information that could make us understand each other a little more or actually learn something new. And certainly, if we react to this difference between us with antagonism, simply through what we think we see – all we are doing is showing the world our own fear, our own weakness.

The face of wonder, curiosity and creativity is a good thing, and in a world that is moving towards greater diversity it would be silly to think that confrontation rather than curiosity is the way to go. Doesn't mean we all need to agree. But it certainly means we should read and discover and understand before we illustrate an opinion, otherwise the opinion is like the pappus of a dandelion, blowing in the wind and setting it's seed on the ignorance of the world.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

MOVIE OF A LIFETIME directed by…

There's a movie that hurts me. It runs, in the flickering light of the machine; in the projector of the brain, over and over again. And each time it plays the frames race by in blistering heat, because I can't bring myself to freeze the picture and let the light illuminate that one hurt, that one frame of the movie, over the other; over this one, over that one. In all honesty, I don't want the frame to stop anywhere in front of me, burning my eyes. They're all valid hurts. They're all mine. I know the images well. A showing, for one. There are times though, I slow it down to catch a glimpse of the scene, to look at the composition, the meaning of the words which are by now almost fabricated. They change because I can't remember them clearly. How it all went down.

And I think things like: I want to tell you how you've hurt me in this scene. I want to tell you how much I love you here. I want to hold your face up to my reality and weep for a forgiveness from you that never came or I couldn't give to you at the time. And there's always that one frame of the movie that stabs me most; the death of the friend or the death of the parent, the loss of the child, the divorce, the abandonment, the addiction, the “goodbye," left unsaid. They all have their place. I run them at the times I feel weak. They justify my weakness, my role as projectionist. And the scenes, in some way, confirm my pain as valid. And so, while I might control the times of their showing, I don't want to forget the movie. Why would I? It's part of me.

But I feel the emotional residue of the film is wearing thin. Sometimes a frame gets stuck in the sprocket and keeps clicking, like a strobe light on the screen and won't let me be “right" in the world, the way that I want to be! Then I can't sleep. I get frustrated because I don't know what I'm seeing; it's just a fuzzy flickering light show, and that frustration shows itself in tiny ways that I don't like. I don't feel whole somehow. And sometimes I hurt others in small ways, because of it.

I barely ran the movie when I was younger. I wrote scenes with dialogue that I quickly forgot. But now that I'm older, I remember every scene. Even some early ones have come back. I've even tried to embellish that early stuff that happened back then and made each minor thing a bigger plot point in the drama. Stuff about embarrassment, stuff about betrayal. I padded it for the sake of dramatic effect. It helped me sometimes – made things just too big for me to deal with…so I didn't deal with them. Maybe I didn't want to. You can't be weak I told myself. You can't be vulnerable. Someone might take advantage.

And because it's a movie that hurts me, I run it mostly at night; sometimes in the day too. But in daylight I forget about it with lunch or a cup of coffee in a café. Or I work harder, so that nobody knows it's running. At night, when I'm reading to my little girl, before bed, I feel it back there running all the lines I've heard before. It's the only real movie I know and so I make decisions based on it, because I know how it goes. I might show it to my little girl when she's older, like some kind of warning. But I suppose she'll make her own. Whenever something remotely close to it pops up, I say; I know this scene, I've been here before. And sure enough, what happens is just like what I thought would happen. My life plays out my movie or vice versa.

I know there are other movies, from other people, but they're not mine. I don't know them. I don't know their stories or whether they're real at all. Could be fiction for all I know - so, I catch glimpses of their movies, but I keep them at a distance. Only my movie is the movie.

Sometimes though…I wish I could share it; let people really see it for what it's worth. Step aside and run it in its entirety. But truth be told – I'm afraid. What if they don't understand it, or think it's a comedy instead of a tragedy? What if they get bored? What a laughing stock that'll make of my life and all the things in it!

Between you and me, secretly, I truly don't want to run my movie anymore. I want to start from scratch, clean out the projector, throw away pretense. I'm getting old. I want to make a movie that everyone can hopefully understand. Something lighter. And I think; more and more often as it runs – how do I do that?

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.

ETERNITY

Life is. And then, apparently, it isn't. Starting point. End point. Whether we believe that to be true is completely up to us. It is a belief at the moment. The ultimate truth is not yet known. A true atheist who says they see the facts before them, might say that it is so. A start. A finish. A Christian that follows the doctrine and believes through faith, would say that it is not. But there is no doubt that science and the field of metaphysics and religion are merging. The hardlines of each have blurred together as one field enlightens the other. One that poses a question now has allowed the other to come that much closer to its answer. They are no longer mutually exclusive. Did you know that the human body contains cosmic debris, composed from stars that ceased to exist millions of years ago? The ashes of dead stars. A portion of universe inside us all. These proofs of who we are should infuse us with wonder.

I don't pretend to know the answers to the big questions. I sit, comfortably and securely upon the rock of uncertainty. Millions sit there - albeit many do so uncomfortably. That rock is the only truth for me. The pillow on the rock; my wonder. Like the acceptance of my own insignificance, and yet the “knowing" of my own magnificence. The view is wide, the vista great! Those who sit here, perhaps take wisdoms from all areas and allow these wisdoms to inform their lives - how to “be" in the world.

It hasn't been lost on me, upon reflection, how transient and ridiculous and yet meaningful life is. It hasn't been lost on me that we don't know why we feel that way either. We sense that it is. Ridiculous or meaningful – we live it just the same. And some of us who don't merely look at ourselves as starting points and end points might truly ask – what gives our lives any meaning at all? Perhaps we are as a virus is, simply living upon the skin and air of the universe before we become extinct. Perhaps we are as angels; holy, searching for our own wonderment, but unknowingly. I have, as you most likely have, gone through great sorrows and great joys in life, and have subsequently wondered about what my life means to this world. What purpose?

For those who have not stopped to ponder themselves or this random and yet meaningful act of their own living, I feel the greatest sadness.

Have you ever wondered why we need to feel a purpose is out there? Why we search for meaning in our lives at all? Why, for eons, we have gazed at the stars and wondered about ourselves? Could it be because we know of something we call “time?" Could it be because we sense, here in our material world, that all things in our daily existence seem to have a beginning and an ending? Because as much as we blind ourselves to the body ending; trying to forget our frailty - we know that it will. But my friends, I humbly put it to you, that it is only the body that ends. I think “time" masks eternity.

Truly, the only “time" we experience is the “now," in the bubbles in which we live each and every moment before the future becomes the present and the present becomes the past. The space of micro-seconds. To truly understand what time is we would need to be outside of it. We feel it; we are made up of it. It's somehow threaded into the fibre of our selves. Sometimes I think those now dead can understand this better than we; because they, more than we, have re-animated to energy, pure spirit, from whence we came in the first place. One of the greatest things the natural world, the cosmos, science, and what our sense of that omnipotent power to which we give many names should have taught us by now, is that we are not mere human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings having a human experience. And when that experience is complete, we are back home, outside the confines of time.

There is perhaps, a reason why the shape of the circle is considered by many to be the most perfect shape. No beginning. No end. Is our “birth" from the dark into the light any different than our “death" from the light into the dark – other than a completion of one rotation? Perhaps birth and death and the circle of our living exists in the greater whole of the universe from which we are made. Everything still connected as it always remains. Everything within the circle as part of the pattern. But as it is with time, to see the pattern of how our scientific/spiritual world works, would be to exist outside of the circle. Is that what our dying is? Perhaps at the moment of “goodbye," we move outside the circle to look down, as surely as those within, gaze upward; to see ourselves as pinpoints of light, magnificent and shining for others to behold. A mirror, full of stars.

UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.